Discovering Beautiful

I've been hitting up the local Goodwill stores the last couple of weekends. I used to look down on thrift stores, incorrectly assuming it was for poor people and that the items were of a lower quality. WRONG! My best friend got me turned onto thrift store shopping during my last trip home in January. I was getting shirts for a dollar, dishes for cheap. We went the day after a holiday so everything was HALF OFF on top of that - uhhh awesome!!! (Here in AZ, the half off days are every other Saturday - SCORE!!)

It was after this multi-city Goodwill trek back home that I realized, DUH!! I am NOT spending oodles of cash every time my size changes throughout this weight loss process. My last name isn't Rockefeller, after all. I'm sticking to thrift stores - not only are they cheap, it's good stuff, stuff I would buy new for myself. Another perk: you know the clothes have already been washed, so you don't have to worry about shrinkage. This is huge for me since I have a long torso and shirts always seem to shrink up!

These past two weekends, I have spent a total of $40 on 10 items: 3 skirts ~ 2 blouses (one from Torrid for only $1.99 - probably retailed for $40 or so) ~ 1 workout tee ~ 1 short sleeved hoodie ~ 1 pair of dress slacks ~ 1 pair of denim capris ~ 1 formal, strapless dress

Needless to say, I am completely stoked about being able to trade out the 'fat' clothes in my closet for some that actually fit. I took some pictures of what I was wearing 3 1/2 months ago versus what I wear today. A little 'out with the old, in with the new', if you will...

Denim capris, size 13 ($5.99 at Goodwill today) on top of size 18

Skirts, size 14 ($2.49 at Goodwill last week) on top of size 20W

Jeans, size 15 ($5.99 at Ross) on top of size 20

Dresses, size L ($9.99 at Goodwill) on top of a 16W (that was entirely too tight when I bought it last June)

Then I decided I wanted to see how my 'fat jeans' fit these days...

What an amazing feeling! These are gonna be the jeans I keep around. They were my Old Faithful. If I was bloated or depressed, or even just feeling frumpy, these bad boys were my go-to bottoms. They have officially been retired and will now own a hallowed space in my closet. Only to be taken out for photo ops :)

I always dreamt of being able to have the kind of before and after photos that make people go, "Holy Hell, Batman! How did you do that?!?" I didn't actually think it could, or would happen. It can. Undoubtedly. This chunky girl is proof.

First, you need to find your inner spark. One day it'll just click. You can decide to lose weight for a myriad of reasons - reasons that are completely valid and important. However, 'I'm doing this for me' should be priority numero uno.

I look forward to heading home this weekend and showing off my bod. Wait, what?!? There's something I've never thought, let alone said, before, LoL. I know I'm in store for lots of compliments.

What I really want to hear is that I look healthier. I hate it when people start a compliment with, "You've always been beautiful, but now..." I only recall one person ever telling me I was beautiful when I was at my chunkiest, so those "you've always..." comments fall on deaf, unbelieving ears.

When I see my old pictures, my heavy pictures, I don't see beauty. I see pain behind that smile. I see loneliness. But now? Now, I see a more defined jawline. I see my arms getting slimmed down. I see less of that cruel second chin. I see that smart ass, hilarious, witty girl I've always been. I see a sparkle in my eye. I see a smile I believe. I see beauty. I see a future filled with confidence. I see me.

I wish this moment for each one of you. Find that sparkle. Smile more. Laugh often. Be confident. Live, really live.

Every girl deserves to be told she's beautiful.

Make a Decision

As I was out hiking this morning, I had an epiphany. Well, not really, but sometimes a productive thought passes through this noggin of mine, so I thought I'd share it.

When I started hiking my mountain regularly, I made the conscious decision to not take the road more traveled. Granted, it's the same trail everyone else uses, but I don't take the smoother path - the path that has been ground down to dirt and pebbles from all the foot traffic. I choose to walk a couple feet over, where the larger rocks have been kicked 'out of the way', where the ascent/descent is a little steeper and takes a little more coordination to navigate through.

Now, my entire life I have been a frontrunner for the imaginary title of 'Miss Uncoordinated', so choosing this option was a surprise even to me. But I wanted results. I can hike a little slower and get my muscles more toned by the extra motion and lunges that I need to perform. It has now become second nature to take the rocky road less traveled during my hike.

This morning, I realized * light bulb moment * that this is an analogy for how I want to live my life.

That easier path...what happened when I took that route? What did it ever do for me? Well, for starters, it got me up to 265 pounds. It made me comfortable. I had my immediate family and I had my best friend. I never did anything without at least one of them. I was unhappy, but I was set in my ways and not willing/too afraid to try something new. It was smooth; it was (for the most part) drama-free.

Now, drama-free is fine and dandy and is something I definitely want to strive for in the future. But I'm not ready for the dust to settle on my rocky road just yet. I need to work towards something. During this difficult journey, I will trip and I will stumble. I will skin my knee and come across roadblocks. I need to prove that I can adapt to the elements. That I can overcome anything and everything life can throw my way.

I still have my immediate family and I still have my best friend. But now I want so much more. I WILL move back to California this year. I WON'T be afraid to go to the several parties I get invited to. I WILL get on the dance floor. I WILL ride that mechanical bull. I want to get out. I want to enjoy life. I want to meet new people. I want to go back to school.

Until then, I will continue to ask myself one thing. And I pose this same question to you:

It's decision time - which path are you going to take today?

It's About Time!

I've been holding my tongue for the past few months and it's a relief that it's not a secret anymore. It's Facebook official, LoL. Lisa, my confidante and bestie for life, is engaged!! She has found the man she is meant to spend her life with and I couldn't be happier for her!

No more hiding the reasons for my trips back home (ie: the January trip for the Wedding Gown Adventure). And when people ask me about taking vacation time to visit them, I can tell them why it's not feasible at this time.

I can be giddy out loud about finding the perfect bridesmaid dress. I can squeal in excitement and not worry about who's in earshot. I can be ecstatic and chatty and turn every conversation into wedding talk if I want to.

I can tell people that I will be home again the week of June 17th for the festivities.

And I can tell Lisa that she is hands down one of the most important people in my life. We have so many memories with each other in them. We 'get' each other. She has been in my life for my biggest moments. I am so blessed that she has asked me to be a part of her very special day.

Nix and Keeves. Anna and Jewie. Ella and Bessie. Lisa and Shelby.

I love you, girl. Congratulations!

State of Confusion

A state of confusion. This is where I am currently living.

I desperately want to move back to California, but I find myself economically trapped in Arizona. Without a decent paying job, no substantial vacation time to cash out and credit card debt from my last move (and subsequent 9 months with no job), I don't have the luxury to move home until I have a job lined up.

My old job in California has remained unoccupied since my departure in 2010, but the governor has instituted a hiring freeze, so attempting to get it back is pointless. But who else is going to hire someone who lives out of state?

I have put myself in quite the predicament. Happy to have a job, yes. Unhappy to be away from my family and friends, definitely.

I received a phone call today about scheduling an interview for another position with DES. I called back to set up the interview for next Wednesday. I'm conflicted, though. There's a slight pay increase, so I'd be able to save just that much more money towards my move. But I'd feel (sorta) bad if I got the position and then was given the opportunity to move home.

I don't know. I'm just ready to be home. It kills me every time someone back home asks when I'll be back for good. Oh, how I wish I had an answer. I have missed so many things. Illnesses, celebrations, girl talks, Giants baseball and things I'm not at liberty to discuss.

Do I regret my move? Not at all. I will never have to ask myself, 'What if?' and that's good enough for me, because thinking about the possibilities would mess my head constantly. I still haven't found the OFF switch to that part of my brain.

And I'm not sure that I would have wanted things to work out differently here in Phoenix. I'm still young enough (haha) that I'll rebound from this adventure with nothing more than a few battle scars.

I've learned a lot about me, but it's time. Time for love. Time for laughter.

Time to go home.

Foolish Wishes

When I was younger, I had these huge wishes that I wanted to fulfill one day. Looking back on those days, I can only laugh and shake my head.


Wish # 1 : I wanted to be the girl with glasses, braces and freckles. I had the freckles. I got the glasses in 8th grade. I got the braces after high school.


What I think now : Why on earth would I want all three things at once? Not a clue. I have learned to embrace my freckles. They are angel kisses, after all. I switched to contact lenses in 2003. Best. Move. Ever. I still like wearing glasses before bedtime and occasionally as a fashion statement, but contacts are awesome. The braces were crucial. I used to be so embarrassed smiling for pictures. I would hide, if possible. Now, it’s nearly impossible to wipe the smile off my face.


Wish # 2 : I wanted to be the proud owner of a turquoise Geo Storm with a vanity license plate that read “SHELBYS” and a license plate frame around it, so the entire statement would read “This is SHELBYS baby. Hands off!”


What I think now : HAHAHAHAHA pretty much sums it up.


Wish # 3 : My future childrens’ names were going to be Denim and Lace.


What I think now : Good thing I wasn’t a tween mom. My kids would have every reason to sue for emancipation. Or they would be destined to become strippers.


It’s funny how some so-called brilliant ideas change over time. Goes to show that kids know nothing. I will have no problem letting my future children know that truth. Then I will tell them to be grateful that I didn’t name them while walking through a fabric store.