Make a Decision

As I was out hiking this morning, I had an epiphany. Well, not really, but sometimes a productive thought passes through this noggin of mine, so I thought I'd share it.

When I started hiking my mountain regularly, I made the conscious decision to not take the road more traveled. Granted, it's the same trail everyone else uses, but I don't take the smoother path - the path that has been ground down to dirt and pebbles from all the foot traffic. I choose to walk a couple feet over, where the larger rocks have been kicked 'out of the way', where the ascent/descent is a little steeper and takes a little more coordination to navigate through.

Now, my entire life I have been a frontrunner for the imaginary title of 'Miss Uncoordinated', so choosing this option was a surprise even to me. But I wanted results. I can hike a little slower and get my muscles more toned by the extra motion and lunges that I need to perform. It has now become second nature to take the rocky road less traveled during my hike.

This morning, I realized * light bulb moment * that this is an analogy for how I want to live my life.

That easier path...what happened when I took that route? What did it ever do for me? Well, for starters, it got me up to 265 pounds. It made me comfortable. I had my immediate family and I had my best friend. I never did anything without at least one of them. I was unhappy, but I was set in my ways and not willing/too afraid to try something new. It was smooth; it was (for the most part) drama-free.

Now, drama-free is fine and dandy and is something I definitely want to strive for in the future. But I'm not ready for the dust to settle on my rocky road just yet. I need to work towards something. During this difficult journey, I will trip and I will stumble. I will skin my knee and come across roadblocks. I need to prove that I can adapt to the elements. That I can overcome anything and everything life can throw my way.

I still have my immediate family and I still have my best friend. But now I want so much more. I WILL move back to California this year. I WON'T be afraid to go to the several parties I get invited to. I WILL get on the dance floor. I WILL ride that mechanical bull. I want to get out. I want to enjoy life. I want to meet new people. I want to go back to school.

Until then, I will continue to ask myself one thing. And I pose this same question to you:

It's decision time - which path are you going to take today?

State of Confusion

A state of confusion. This is where I am currently living.

I desperately want to move back to California, but I find myself economically trapped in Arizona. Without a decent paying job, no substantial vacation time to cash out and credit card debt from my last move (and subsequent 9 months with no job), I don't have the luxury to move home until I have a job lined up.

My old job in California has remained unoccupied since my departure in 2010, but the governor has instituted a hiring freeze, so attempting to get it back is pointless. But who else is going to hire someone who lives out of state?

I have put myself in quite the predicament. Happy to have a job, yes. Unhappy to be away from my family and friends, definitely.

I received a phone call today about scheduling an interview for another position with DES. I called back to set up the interview for next Wednesday. I'm conflicted, though. There's a slight pay increase, so I'd be able to save just that much more money towards my move. But I'd feel (sorta) bad if I got the position and then was given the opportunity to move home.

I don't know. I'm just ready to be home. It kills me every time someone back home asks when I'll be back for good. Oh, how I wish I had an answer. I have missed so many things. Illnesses, celebrations, girl talks, Giants baseball and things I'm not at liberty to discuss.

Do I regret my move? Not at all. I will never have to ask myself, 'What if?' and that's good enough for me, because thinking about the possibilities would mess my head constantly. I still haven't found the OFF switch to that part of my brain.

And I'm not sure that I would have wanted things to work out differently here in Phoenix. I'm still young enough (haha) that I'll rebound from this adventure with nothing more than a few battle scars.

I've learned a lot about me, but it's time. Time for love. Time for laughter.

Time to go home.