State of Confusion

A state of confusion. This is where I am currently living.

I desperately want to move back to California, but I find myself economically trapped in Arizona. Without a decent paying job, no substantial vacation time to cash out and credit card debt from my last move (and subsequent 9 months with no job), I don't have the luxury to move home until I have a job lined up.

My old job in California has remained unoccupied since my departure in 2010, but the governor has instituted a hiring freeze, so attempting to get it back is pointless. But who else is going to hire someone who lives out of state?

I have put myself in quite the predicament. Happy to have a job, yes. Unhappy to be away from my family and friends, definitely.

I received a phone call today about scheduling an interview for another position with DES. I called back to set up the interview for next Wednesday. I'm conflicted, though. There's a slight pay increase, so I'd be able to save just that much more money towards my move. But I'd feel (sorta) bad if I got the position and then was given the opportunity to move home.

I don't know. I'm just ready to be home. It kills me every time someone back home asks when I'll be back for good. Oh, how I wish I had an answer. I have missed so many things. Illnesses, celebrations, girl talks, Giants baseball and things I'm not at liberty to discuss.

Do I regret my move? Not at all. I will never have to ask myself, 'What if?' and that's good enough for me, because thinking about the possibilities would mess my head constantly. I still haven't found the OFF switch to that part of my brain.

And I'm not sure that I would have wanted things to work out differently here in Phoenix. I'm still young enough (haha) that I'll rebound from this adventure with nothing more than a few battle scars.

I've learned a lot about me, but it's time. Time for love. Time for laughter.

Time to go home.

Forever and For Always

Today would have been my grandma's 80th birthday. All I can think of is how proud of her grandchildren she would be if she were here. It reminds me of how she would call and then stop by on each of our birthdays. How we'd be given a card that contained her perfect little cursive handwriting inside.

Left column, top to bottom: Corey, Shelby, Nick

Right column, top to bottom: Cameron, Brandi, Will

We have all changed quite a bit. When she left us, we were 19, 18, 17, 14, 9 and 9. Now, we're 31, 30, 29, 27, 21, 21 and 3, respectively. Grandma never had the pleasure of meeting my three year old cousin.

Top row: Will, Nick, Cameron, Shelby

Bottom row: Corey, Brandi, Gunnar

We all miss her so much. It's interesting how fast time seems to fly by, but some things never change.

I was 17 when she passed away and suddenly I am 29 years old. Since she has been gone, I've graduated high school, started driving, had a whole bunch of firsts and moved 800 miles from home. I know she's in Heaven, smiling down on me. I know in her adorable Norwegian accent, she would say something to the effect of, 'You go, girl!' Some days that softens the blow. Most days I'm too selfish to see the good in that, though. Some days it just hurts. Some days I just want to hear her voice. Some days I want it to be her chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven. Some days I wear her Harvest Wine lipstick and it makes me feel close to her.

This day, though, this day is a good day. I know she loved me like crazy. And that will always make me smile.

Happy 80th birthday, Grandma. I love you. Forever and for always.

Foolish Wishes

When I was younger, I had these huge wishes that I wanted to fulfill one day. Looking back on those days, I can only laugh and shake my head.


Wish # 1 : I wanted to be the girl with glasses, braces and freckles. I had the freckles. I got the glasses in 8th grade. I got the braces after high school.


What I think now : Why on earth would I want all three things at once? Not a clue. I have learned to embrace my freckles. They are angel kisses, after all. I switched to contact lenses in 2003. Best. Move. Ever. I still like wearing glasses before bedtime and occasionally as a fashion statement, but contacts are awesome. The braces were crucial. I used to be so embarrassed smiling for pictures. I would hide, if possible. Now, it’s nearly impossible to wipe the smile off my face.


Wish # 2 : I wanted to be the proud owner of a turquoise Geo Storm with a vanity license plate that read “SHELBYS” and a license plate frame around it, so the entire statement would read “This is SHELBYS baby. Hands off!”


What I think now : HAHAHAHAHA pretty much sums it up.


Wish # 3 : My future childrens’ names were going to be Denim and Lace.


What I think now : Good thing I wasn’t a tween mom. My kids would have every reason to sue for emancipation. Or they would be destined to become strippers.


It’s funny how some so-called brilliant ideas change over time. Goes to show that kids know nothing. I will have no problem letting my future children know that truth. Then I will tell them to be grateful that I didn’t name them while walking through a fabric store.