A state of confusion. This is where I am currently living.
I desperately want to move back to California, but I find myself economically trapped in Arizona. Without a decent paying job, no substantial vacation time to cash out and credit card debt from my last move (and subsequent 9 months with no job), I don't have the luxury to move home until I have a job lined up.
My old job in California has remained unoccupied since my departure in 2010, but the governor has instituted a hiring freeze, so attempting to get it back is pointless. But who else is going to hire someone who lives out of state?
I have put myself in quite the predicament. Happy to have a job, yes. Unhappy to be away from my family and friends, definitely.
I received a phone call today about scheduling an interview for another position with DES. I called back to set up the interview for next Wednesday. I'm conflicted, though. There's a slight pay increase, so I'd be able to save just that much more money towards my move. But I'd feel (sorta) bad if I got the position and then was given the opportunity to move home.
I don't know. I'm just ready to be home. It kills me every time someone back home asks when I'll be back for good. Oh, how I wish I had an answer. I have missed so many things. Illnesses, celebrations, girl talks, Giants baseball and things I'm not at liberty to discuss.
Do I regret my move? Not at all. I will never have to ask myself, 'What if?' and that's good enough for me, because thinking about the possibilities would mess my head constantly. I still haven't found the OFF switch to that part of my brain.
And I'm not sure that I would have wanted things to work out differently here in Phoenix. I'm still young enough (haha) that I'll rebound from this adventure with nothing more than a few battle scars.
I've learned a lot about me, but it's time. Time for love. Time for laughter.
Time to go home.
