Falling Out of Love

Is it possible to fall in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way?

I used to think yes and that I did. But now I'm not so sure if that was the case. What are the requirements for falling in love? Should the other person feel the same way about you before you can actually give all of yourself to them?

I thought I was in love. I thought I was in love with someone who obviously didn't feel the same way. Someone who said he had been so jaded by relationships in the past. Someone who only said he cared about me when I asked him specifically if he did. I thought if I showed him that I loved him enough, that he would realize it would be safe for him to feel the same for me. That it would be safe for him to fall. That I would be there to catch him.

That never happened. I moved to be closer to him, yet he accused me of pushing him away. I asked him over for dinner. He asked if he could bend me over on his way home. I wanted so badly for him to be 'The One'. He was my first for so many things. I think I held on to the hope of being with him because he was the first man to tell me I was beautiful. And he made me believe it. He was patient with me and never pressured me into anything.

Everyone would tell me to just let him go, that I deserved better, that I deserved someone amazing. When you want something or someone so badly, you ignore the world around you. 'They don't know him like I know him,' I would often think.

He didn't treat me well most of the time, when we were apart. There were long distance arguments. It was during those fights he would yell and get angry, become physically ill from getting so worked up. But during those arguments, I would find out that I meant something since I was causing that reaction in him. Twisted, maybe, but I preferred those fights to the silence he sometimes gave me. When we were together, oh when we were together, I never felt safer. I felt like we were the only two people who existed. In those moments, I found myself falling.

But he would never commit to me. He would give lame excuses or just ignore what I was asking for. I knew he was dating other women and sleeping around.

When I decided last year to let him go, I started seeing someone else. Someone great. Someone I had so much in common with. This is when My First came back into the picture, trying to get a reaction out of me. I ignored him at first, then finally replied to an angry text. So he yelled and sarcastically wished me luck with "the new boy". I thanked him and told him I wouldn't regret anything that ever happened between us. He got mad, as per his usual. So I flat out said that we both knew he didn't want to be with me and I asked why he was getting so upset. He gave his standard, "Oh ok whatever you say."

Of course, me being as naive as I am, I take that to mean that he's afraid of losing me and wants another chance. I apologized to New Guy and told him that I couldn't continue on with him while I was still in love with My First.

As weird as it sounds, it felt good to be back to my version of normal. I no longer had the butterflies from New Guy, and I had My First ignoring me. My normal. I realized I no longer had the emotions to deal with anything other than my normal.

When 2012 finally came around, I was ready to say goodbye for good. It was time for me to move on. On January 2nd, I logged onto my facebook and deleted My First. I knew there was no point in contacting him to say goodbye. That would just lead to an argument with him bringing me to tears so he could feel like he's the one who made the break.

It's been almost three weeks. I haven't heard from him. I'm not surprised. I doubt he has even noticed. And that hurts. It reiterates how little I actually mattered to him. How little a part of his life I really was. I don't know if I'd actually answer my phone if he calls. Part of me wants him to. Part of me wants to know I meant something, anything to him.

I was in lust with him. He was well built and attractive, intelligent, talented and funny. But he treated me poorly. I used to think it was from the walls he built up throughout his life from so many people he loved leaving him. If that was the case, he shouldn't have initiated anything with me in the first place.

I've come to the conclusion that I was in love with the idea of finally being in love. I thank him for everything that happened, because now I know what not to settle for. They say it's difficult to say goodbye to your first, and boy oh boy is that true. It was a three year plus lesson that I finally learned. It took a long time, and so many people are proud of me for finally closing that chapter. I'm proud of me, too.

I have a feeling this is going to be my year.